Husband Of 27 Years Is Gay

QUESTION

My husband and I have been married for 27 years and have two grown children. He recently told me he wants a divorce; he also revealed that he has been having an affair with another man! I feel angry and betrayed as though our life together was a lie. What should I do?

ANSWER

JILL:

1. Take a deep breath and accept that you have a right to feel those emotions and more. You are dealing with a number of difficult issues here. Not the least of which is that the end of the day you and your husband of 27 years are getting a divorce.

2. Don’t assume that he didn’t or doesn’t still love you. Being gay doesn’t preclude his ability to having feelings of love for you.

3. The foundation of the marriage itself I cannot speculate on. One day I hope that you will let him tell you why he got married and what the union meant to him. That conversation may bring you some peace and lessen the feelings of betrayal.

4. Remember that what your husband is doing isn’t about you. Don’t question your desirability, femininity or the type of a wife that your were.

5. When I work with a client who is undergoing a major life transition they tend to feel empty and off-balance so I recommend that they take a lot of quiet time for themselves. It gives you an opportunity to assess who you are, loving mother, good friend, supportive daughter, strong and vibrant woman, successful entrepreneur or career woman.

6. Don’t hesitate to turn to spiritual or professional guidance during this time.

Finally, self-care helps with the healing process. Practice the things that are important for your mental and physical well being. Avoid friends or relatives who may judge or discuss the issues continually. Seek the company of those who strengthen and respect you. In other words take care of you!

VICKI:
Jill is absolutely correct when she told you that your husband’s actions are not about you and not to speculate about his love for you. Know that when your husband chose to marry you it was not with the intention to cause you pain.

There is no doubt that you are filled with questions at the moment and some extremely intense emotions. Where I believe that it is very important that you ask your husband for the answers you need it should not be done until you are in a calm and collected state of mind.

Firstly it’s impossible to be in emotional turmoil and have clarity at the same time. You need to be clear headed in order to decide what the really relevant questions for you are and in order to be able to listen to your husband’s answers with an open mind, which you will need. Take all the alone or quiet time you need in order to get to that frame of mind; it may be weeks or it may be months and you may need help getting there.

Secondly when you and your husband do talk, especially about his motivations, you need to recognize that this isn’t a black and white area. It is not a matter of right or wrong. This is the gray area where he has made past decisions based on his fears and insecurities; something that every single one of us has done at one time or another.

I hope the two of you will sit down and talk with compassion and good will for each other in both your hearts and truly listen to each other.

Dating and The Divorced Mid-Life Woman

QUESTION

My mom and dad are divorced and mom is starting to date. I think that the guys are all creeps but she says she is lonely. How can I get her to slow down and go out with a better class of guy?

ANSWER

VICKI:
The fact is that you can’t get your mom to slow down. She has a choice and though you consider then men she dates creeps, she may see them from a different point of view. You haven’t mentioned if you and your mom have had a conversation around how you feel about her dating and the types of men she dates. If you haven’t spoken to her please do. Sit her down and tell her, honestly, how you feel. Don’t make the conversation strictly about how your view her male friends, it’s very important that you tell her how you feel about her dating period as this may be a factor to you not liking the men she dates. One more thing she may have really good reason for dating the men she does please do really listen to her.

JILL:
I’m going to come at this from a different angle. You need to think about the fact that your mom is more than just a mom. She is a lonely, divorced woman. That is the person who is the doing the dating. I would like you to try to communicate with some of the men that are in her life; just talk to them. If then you find they are disrespectful, creepy or just don’t seem to be a nice person then you should let your mother know how you feel about that particular man. I just want you to give some of them a chance. However your mom does owe it to you to make sure that the men she invites into your home are decent and treat you well.