Real Love and Reality

SCENARIO

Do you feel loved by your partner? It’s a common issue for many couples. In the beginning of a relationship it was exciting and passionate, with time reality hits and love becomes secondary to daily demands. Does it have to be this way?

CONSIDER THIS

JILL:
While the excitement and passion may settle down with time, the loving of one another shouldn’t become secondary. If you have to put each other on your schedule – every month should include at least one date night and maybe a lunch date too.

One of the most exciting things in a new relationship is the spontaneity so try to revive that. An unexpected phone call in the day, a note slipped into their pocket. It is however the physical aspect; the touching that provides the warmth and glow for a couple. A hug, kiss or squeeze of a hand take a few seconds but the affect is long lasting for the recipient.

Don’t try to revive what has been but start today to sustain a loving relationship that will have you growing old together.

VICKI:
It most definitely doesn’t have to be that way. Love is a choice, which each and every day you and your partner can choose to do and say the things that make your partner feel loved. This is like re-committing to each other daily.

It’s not always an easy choice to make. It only works on one condition – that both of you have to know what makes you, individually, feel loved and be willing to discuss it with your partner.

There is a great book that discusses it called “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. It discusses the five main languages of love: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service and physical touch. In reading this you will learn your main love language and help identifying your partner’s. It’s not only a quick read it’s also really enjoyable.

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Law Of Attraction Not Working

QUESTION

I’ve watched The Secret and read as much as I can about the Law Of Attraction. I keep trying to make it work for me but the problem is I can’t stop negative thoughts from coming up all the time and it feels like I’ll never be able to attract what I want. It seems to be working for so many people, what’s wrong with me? I feel like a complete failure and I know beating myself up isn’t going to help it’ll just make it worse. What can I do?

ANSWER

VICKI:
I have unfortunately heard this too many times from too many people. Having a negative thought is not the enemy. Looking at your thoughts without emotion can help you to understand what it is in your belief system that you need to tackle.

There isn’t anyone on earth who can rid themselves of all negative thought. I realize that it appears that the speakers of The Secret only have positive thoughts however that’s not that true.

When you have a negative thought acknowledge it, as you have no control over the thought, and then choose again. By choosing again I mean make a positive affirmation of what it is that you positively intend.

There’s a great new book out by Neale Donald Walsch called “Happier Than God”. It explains how the Law Of Attraction works – you can call it the secret behind The Secret. It covers everything in great detail. This book is an absolute treasure and a gift that you should give yourself.

JILL:
Maybe you are trying too hard. Take a deep breath and relax a bit. You obviously get the concept and how to put it into your life, obsessing and worrying about it is actually counter productive because that is what you are putting out there. So you are actually attracting what you are thinking “It seems to be working for so many people, what’s wrong with me? Therefore based on the Law of Attraction what you are getting back is – it isn’t working for you.

All self-help advice such as The Secret is only a tool intended to help you build a better life. They are presented as one size fits all when in fact you have to figure out how to make them work for you because everyone’s life is unique.

People Pleasing & Healthy Boundaries

QUESTION

I have what Oprah calls the need to please, why do I always say ‘yes’ whenever someone asks me to do something? I just volunteered to drive my daughter and some kids around Saturday morning for a bottle drive to raise money for a school trip. I have a hundred other things to do on Saturday why didn’t I just say that I was too busy?

ANSWER

VICKI:
The majority of people pleasers will tell you that they didn’t want to let someone down, yet that is only the surface answer. Disappointing another is about how you will be viewed by that person and yourself. It can be really debilitating to live for other people’s impressions or opinions of you. It can be totally devastating if you judge yourself as a good or bad person based on the need to do or prove something to others. The bottom line is this is a boundary issue. You need to learn to set healthy boundaries.

People, yourself included, can only do what they have within themselves to do. Frequently the person who says yes to everything has little to give because their sense of obligation leave them feeling resentful, which leaves no room to give from the heart.

The next time you are asked to do something for someone else don’t respond immediately. Just stop. Ask yourself if you have the time and if you want to do this. If the answer is negative just say no – people pleasing is like a bad drug.

There is a book called “Where To Draw The Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Everyday” by Anne Katherine. You may find this book very helpful.

JILL:
You need to look at what is behind your inability to say “I’m too busy”.
Are you trying to be supermom?
Are you subconsciously saying ‘look at how much I do’?
Do you want people to not think badly of you?
In fact, not being able to set boundaries does not make you likeable, strong or perfect.

Here are some ways to beat the urge:
Pause before answering: Train yourself that no one has the right to demand an answer right away. It may be their moment of panic but that doesn’t make it yours.

Just say NO:
Ask yourself what is going to happen? The world does not come to an end. You are merely saying “Sorry, I am too busy”’ they will find someone else.

Don’t over explain: That makes you seem defensive and gives them an opportunity to change your mind.

Visual record of your busyness: One thing that helps is when you can see how busy you are. Never answer until you have checked your day timer. Have a schedule by your home phone that shows what is happening on each day and at what time. If someone requests your time when you are out again check your day timer or blackberry before answering.

Middle of the road: If it a request that you would like to help with but time is a factor. Find the mid-way point “I can sew the costumes, bake the cookies but someone else will have to pick them up. If that doesn’t work don’t agree to it, you offered a compromise that is enough.