Dealing With Adultery & The Loss Of A Mother

QUESTION

I was reading your site about adultery. My husband has had personal ads on sex websites for a couple of years now. I keep forgiving him, and he keeps doing it. He even carries condoms in his work bag. He knows I know they are there, but won’t get rid of them. I even confronted him about them; at first, there were six and now there are three. Did he use three? I confronted him again, and he says he masturbates with them. At work? I feel he is cheating on me, and doesn’t care what I think. Also, I think he wants me around financially and to help take care of his 14 yr son. I am so hurt and tired of trying. Emotionally I’m exhausted.

On top of all this, I just lost my mom to cancer a few months ago and I’m trying to heal from this. I know you can’t tell me what to do, but can you tell me what you think? Thank you for listening.

ANSWER

VICKI:
My condolences on your loss.

So much has taken place in your life that it’s no wonder you are exhausted. You have a lot on your mind.

You are a a place where you need to make many decisions about what is good for you at this time.

You need to be the priority in your own life presently – you must take care of you. Please do find a therapist to work this out with. After the loss of your mother and all the emotions that go with that, you need someone to help you sort through your thoughts and emotions, so you can make the right decisions for yourself, including when it comes to your marriage. It’s too big to do alone.

If you’re not ready for that step yet then please do some journaling to get your thoughts and feelings out. Holding all that in your body can only lead to a compromised immune system and illness.

Make your first step a commitment to your health and well-being.

JILL:
As a life coach, I would first like to address your emotional exhaustion that has been exacerbated by the death of your mother. You should not try to work through your marital situation while you are in that condition.

Here are some suggestions that are just for you & for your well being.

Try to get away for awhile, to give yourself some time to start both the process of healing and renewal. There are wonderful women’s retreats being offered, do you or a friend own a cabin that you can go to or is there someone that you can visit? Maybe there is a friend or family member with whom you feel safe and relaxed enough to stay with for a few days? If none of these suggestions are feasible, seek out a grief support group or counselor or if there is a spiritual or religious connection that strengthens you now is the time to reach out.

At life’s most difficult times our instincts usually tell us the truth before our hearts are willing to accept what is happening. As hard as it is, try to look at the facts objectively. A personal ad on a sex site is placed because someone is looking for a response. It has been two years & he continues to ignore your feelings. He takes condoms to work and (or) he masturbates at work. Neither is within the scope of what a married man should be doing.

You write ‘I keep forgiving him’, ‘I confronted him, again’ and ‘I am so tired of trying’. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. Marriage is not based on the money that you bring in or roles such as being a step mom. It is about how you are treated as a women and a wife and how you feel about yourself within the relationship. It is about your feelings for your partner. Do you still feel love, respect and trust for him?

I believe that you already have the truth inside yourself and what is needed is the enormous strength that it takes to do what is right for you. I hope that you find it, as well as the time & peace that you require to grieve the mother you have lost.

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2 Responses

  1. thats just a LITTLE suspicious..
    i would watch out ..i think it IS cheatin on u

  2. I feel far more men and women require to read this, quite beneficial info.

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