QUESTION
How do I forgive a cheating husband?
ANSWER
VICKI:
Thank you so much for asking this very important question that I know will touch many people’s lives when it comes to forgiving anyone about anything. Forgiveness is the only way for anyone to truly move on with their life after any hurtful situation. I also want to mention that forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean keeping the person that hurt you in your life; even if you leave someone it is necessary to forgive in order to remove the heaviness from one’s heart. So much for forgiveness in general, let me speak to your situation.
Forgiveness is not an easy road and it requires a lot of self-examination. This is because the hurt, resentment, and all other ill feelings are inside of yourself, therefore, looking at anything outside of yourself won’t help.
Since I can’t know exactly all the emotions that you are feeling I will have to use examples with some of the most common emotions and thoughts that clients in your situation have expressed to me.
This first thing is about forgiving yourself. Which is due to most women feeling that they are to blame for their husband cheating. Something almost each client has expressed is feeling inadequate and wondering what they did wrong or what was wrong with them. This feeling of inadequacy usually stems from our insecurities about ourselves. A woman will look at what she is uncomfortable with such as her body, age, personality, etc. and believe that one or all of what she is insecure about was the reason her husband strayed.
To move past this particular feeling a woman must come to understand that her husband didn’t cheat because of her. No one does anything because of anyone else. Whether he didn’t have the self-control to resist or he is acting out because of his own insecurities about aging, his manhood, inability to ask his wife for what her really wants, etc., it is never about his wife. With that point of understanding a woman must still forgive herself for any flaws she feels she has. She must recognize that it is not her duty to be perfect in any way shape or form and that no human being is – This is the first piece of forgiveness.
From here you must examine your emotions one by one and question them in order to discover what they are about for you. The best thing I can recommend is what I call the “Because Question”. Use the following statement: I am feeling _________ about/that _____________ because ______________. The “because statement” will always be about yourself. I will give you an example below.
Another frequent emotion in your situation is grief, which is always about the loss of something. In this case the Because Question may look like this: I am feeling a sense of loss that my husband wasn’t faithful because I have lost the dream that I am the only one he could ever have feelings for.
As you explore your emotions and realize that they are all about your beliefs about yourself and life it slowly lessens all the negative feelings you are now holding inside and you start eliminating the blame. This is how it becomes easier to forgive. When there is no longer any blame and you have no ill feelings, forgiveness is possible.
Again, this is not an easy process and it takes time – it does not happen overnight. Even though you work through an emotion once does not mean it is finished with – the same emotion will tend to come back with a different “because” answer. What this means is that the emotions you are feeling will repeat themselves. This process is best done within counseling. I wish you all the best with this long and very worthy process.
JILL:
Vicki’s answer is thorough and complete. I am therefore just going to take a more general viewpoint on forgiveness.
1. The process of forgiveness can only be started after you have worked through your own feelings. In this case those feelings are probably anger and grief.
2. If you have decided to stay within the relationship, the act of forgiveness does suggest approval.
3. To forgive is to give yourself freedom. When we dwell on our pain we risk damaging or physical health, our mental well-being, and we risk it eating away at us spiritually.
4. It is important that once you have started to forgive that you do not use your husband’s cheating as a weapon. You cannot keep throwing this act back at him. If you do this then it is a sigh that you have not forgiven him.
5. The act of forgiveness is a gesture towards the healing of yourself and will allow your relationship to start growing again.
I echo Vicki’s wishes for your success at this difficult time.
Read 10 things that you never knew (and possibly never wanted to know) about Vicki and Jill.
Filed under: Advice, Personal Growth, Relationships | Tagged: Adultery, Counseling, Forgiveness
JILL, you said, “2. If you have decided to stay within the relationship, the act of forgiveness does suggest approval.”
Agreed. So why doesn’t forgiving invite more cheating in the future?
Good question. My answer was to the wife and addressed just the forgiveness. There are many other perspectives that have to be worked on for this couple. It is the partner that has to do the work needed to not cheat again.
Then they have to come together to discuss the future of their relationship, to see if they can lay the groundwork for a strong and faithful marriage.
Being cheated on and lied too are horrible feelings. It made me feel less of a woman and made me try to replay and question some many things in my mind. I am still going through and it feels like I am going crazy. My heart goes out to all who have been cheated on, the road to recovery is a difficult one to travel.
Carla,my heart goes out to you. I am another victim. The man I vow to on Feb. 28, 1998 cheated on me. I know just how you feel. I cry at least 4-5 times a week and want to seek revenge after him and the other woman. Should I feel this way towards the other woman? She was my husband ex-secretary, and I knew her, her husband from whom she is separarated from call me on my home phone. everything came out in the open on May 24, 2008 when he called. Of course he tried to deny everything, but it had to come out. I don’t have to tell you the devastation I am going through. We are trying to work this out, but it is hard. The thing is, I knew it, at least I felt he was cheating on me but I could not accept it. Prayer has been the only key to my life now.
my husband has been continuing phone conversations with his ex-grilfriend as well as an old friend whom he had sexual relations with. i found out through his phone statement and he tried to deny it at first, then admit to it and claimed he’d stop, well this was last year and he hasn’t stopped. i forgave him last year, while I was carrying our child, now I found out he’s still calling these women and he tells me that they’re only discussing there problems. i asked him if he’d lost his mind or did he think I had. I love him, but this has really put a toll on our marriage. I feel as though I will never be able to trust him, because as soon as I start trusting him, I find out something else. he says we can make it work and that he really wants us to be together, but why the other women. someone please answer my question. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERE ME???
I am from the other side of the fence. I was the one that cheated. My husband found out about the affair after it had ended and forgave me, but I continued a friendship with the man I’d been involved with. I honestly felt that my friendship was harming nobody as it wasn’t sexual. When my husband found out, he was (rightly!) angry and my marriage is now over. I regret it all so much. It was all for the sake of trying to just please everyone and not make anyone unhappy that I ended up wrecking my marriage.
It wasn’t worth it – trust me. If you think your marriage is worth working on … then do it. Tell him it HAS to stop and make him agree to whatever you need from him … and get some counselling. Good luck
Thanks all of you for your honesty. My husband never got a chance to actually go thru with his plans, but I still feel horrible about it. I feel that the only reason he is still faithful is because of the other husband. He got there just as they were on their way to the room. I got my husbands faithfulness by default! I believe he loves me ®rets what has happened, but I still think about leaving. I just don’t know if I can trust him again. It was a one time event (I believe) and he is so remorseful…should I stay? I dont know…
Hi All,
It’s sad . I feel so much for all those wives who have trusted and probably done everythign to please the husband- like I did. But only to be cheated and satmped not once , twice and thrice – everytime i forgave thinking it was a small offence after some years, the offence was bigger. first it is open preference to someone, second it is expensive gifts as gold, and going into their rooms when the girl stayed with us, and finally putting up a story that he is depressed and so he wants to separate, all only to hide his aaffair and he now lives separately on grounds of wnating to separate. His plans all fell to the ground since his office, friends and his family all did not support him and he being in a respectable position was humilaitaed since he romanced hos wo secretary half his age , when our daughter is just 5 years younger than his secretary.
I am crying everyday since 10 months now begging and pleading for him to be back. he has started coming once a way to see my kids which he threatened he wont and blackmaild all of us for a mutual consent. How do I move on. I am just unable to and also just leave all to God tho I am praying. Please help me. Need some solid advise and support. My angel of daughters are wiith me always ..but I know they miss their dad too.
My husband for 34 years who I trusted completed had very close friendship with two female co-workers; he play tennis with one for over 3 years once a week and he will be on the phone with the other one three to four times weekly over 2 years. I also found out he went out dinner with his “tennis partner” often. He also goes to the “phone friend” when she needs his help for fixing leaking faucet or moving furnitures. I accidentally found out about the first one and he agreed to stop playing tennis with her. Yet, he continues talking with the second woman. He claims that they are only female friends; nothing more than friendship. He didn’t think he did anything wrong and reluctant agreed to stop seeing the second woman. His didn’t think it is cheating as long as he didn’t have sexual relationship.
I see images of how he much fun he has playing tennis and how happy he was talking on the phone. I wake up in the middle of the night by all the images that he was with other woman.
I tried once to kill myself unseccessfully and got locked up in the psyc ward for a while. I am in so much pain. I think about to kill myself again. I just can’t figure out a way to forgive him.
Hopeless in Connecticut
Hey Emily,
Dont harm urself over someone else insecurities my husband cheated and he made me feel like i was crazy , yes i felt there is no way out. after a week of suffering, drinking no sleep i woke up.
I thought i have a life i cant keep chasing him, look good at all times , go out with the girls lose wieght be irresitable he should think where u r and what u r upto.
I don’t even believe in second chances. You will never forget! If you stay, you will always be reminded by what he did. When a song comes on about cheating, when a movie comes on about cheating, when radio DJ’s talk about cheating, when Cheaters the show comes on TV. It will constantly be thrown in your face about how stupid you were for taking him back, not including your friends and family who will snidely condescend you & treat you like a desperate pathetic dumb ass. You can forgive the guy without having to take him back. Think about this, by taking him back, what is that teaching your kids? What is that teaching every man out there? That it’s okay to cheat on women. No excuses! Don’t do it.
:::::YOU CAN FORgiVE HIM :::::::
—-THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO BE WITH HIM—-
I still talk to my ex of 5 years ago who cheated on me, have I forgiven him? Yes! Would I ever get back together with him? Not even if he was the last guy on earth. Don’t let your twisted definition of “forgiving” be an excuse for taking him back. Forgive him…yes. Take him back…NO!
My wife had an affair (mostly an emotional affair and some kissing, but no sex) and I feel that we are dealing with it well except for one thing. The man she had an affair with is one of her only friends and they have swapped childcare together (we both have 3 year olds). They did a lot of childcare together and have swapped kids to give the other a break. I truly believe my wife is over him ad would not do anything again (we’ve had a lot of stress in our lives leading to the affair), but she wants to remain friends with him; he’s her only childcare support; and while she understands that I don’t want my kids near him, and while she accepts that, I know she wants me to move past it.
To follow up my last post–forgot to say that I could use some advice on figuring out what to do and how to handle the situation. I’d love for them to never see each other–it certainly would be easier on me, but it would really hurt my wife. We’ve never made unilateral decisions before (well, except for the affair) and eliminating him would isolate her tremendously. But to have him around my kids feels wrong.
Hi Jay,
I get that you’re really looking for a way to handle the situation in a way that is mutually beneficial to you and your wife. That makes you a great husband and an understanding and compassionate man.
I come from a spiritual perspective on life and I believe that when we make a decision that is true to ourselves (a decision that feels true to our very core and that is made when we are coming from a loving place as opposed to being fearful of anything, including unknowns, and making the choice totally around our personal feelings and not another’s) then we are being true to all involved.
Sit down and write a list of possible answers to the situation. Then one at a time, close your eyes and visualize the situation. Your visualization must include everyone involved – just play out the whole scenario without putting in horrible possibilities (don’t let your imagination get the best of you), this needs to be based in reality of WHAT IS.
Now which one of the situations feels totally right for you. The situation that feels good to you in your heart and soul and brings you peace of mind is what true for you. Tell your wife your truth and then look for ways to work it out with you being true to yourself. Sometimes there is a mutually beneficial solution and sometimes not. However a person can only truly live with that which they are at peace with.
You’re a good man and I wish you the best possible outcome and much happiness.
Vicki Wolfson of Too Real Advice
=”tahoma”]I’m married for almost 4 yrs now and with 1 child.I found out recently that my husband cheated on me 2 years ago before he got me pregnant because I found out that he got me infected. I ask him how did it happened and he confess everything.I was away for a 3 yrs since I’m working oversea and we only see each other 2 to 3 tyms in a year. He said things happened only for fun coz he did it only 4 times in 4 months and b4 he got me pregnant he already regret what he did .I was so shocked whe I heard those words. I really cant believe that he cheated on me.I got nothing to do unless cried and cried trying to figure out why things happened. He ask forgiveness to me and to my family he even cried begging for forgiveness to them that he really regret a lot and promise not to do it again for he cannot afford to lose us. Does he deserve a second chance? Does he really regret what he does? I want to have a peace of mind…. Help!!!
I just found out that my husband cheated while working out of town. While I was 8 months pregnant.
I found out the other woman got pregnant (had miscarriage). I honestly don’t know If I can forgive him for it. I am trying to move past it but it hurts. MY heart hurts. We have now two children together and I want to stay together for the children and hopefully fix our marriage. But it will definately come with some very strict ground rules. The other woman apologizes for it (he told her he was going through a divorce) but I cant blame her for what My husband told her. She thought he was the man of her dreams. Cant fault her for that.
Hopefully we can try to move passed this and it will never happen again
Men are are simple egoic creatures. Many men can justify a sexual relationship with a woman they really don’t have deep feelings for. Most of this is a combination and struggle with, self esteem, self value, chemistry (testosterone), and the male logic system. We do dumb things because of our ego and chemistry. Many men cheat because they are looking for something which they (THINK) is missing, many times it is a communication and understanding issue, from the masculine to the feminine and also the opposite.
Although we (men) have a higher intelligence than most of the other species of our gender on earth, there is a different basic logic that drives us. And the key word is logic.
It is extremely difficult to forgive a cheating spouse, I think it is important to identify the root cause of the reason for cheating. It will require some effort to get a man to admit why, but with patience and subtle diligence the problem can be identified, and forgiveness may be easier.
Dear Emmitt,
My husband had an affair after 24 years of marriage. He claimed I wasn’t fulfilling his basic need of making him feel worthwhile, while this woman was telling him all the right things building him up. The affair lasted for about 6 months, during which time he repeatably told me he was done with her for me to find out otherwise. He always claimed it never turned sexual, until I caught him coming out of her bedroom. This was on a Monday and the previous weekend we had a great time away and had the best sex of our married life. We were scheduled for another marriage counseling session on Wednesday. After I found him out he said the relief was enormous. And wanted me to forgive him. After much crying and lamenting I said our 24 years of marriage was worth a try. We continue to seek counseling. My question is this. My husband said he only had sex about 10 times in all and it was only to keep her happy, that it was never fulfilling for him and was actually hard to accomplish at times (pardon the pun). Can this be true? I need a man’s perspective. He continued to have sex with me during the entire 6 month period and it was always fulfilling. It has been 2 months since I discovered the truth and things seem better, but I live with the fear that the lying and cheating will begin again. He is very good about accounting for his whereabouts, however he has a job that allows him a lot of freedom. We do work together so he must eventually account for his time. I monitor his cell calls (which he knows about). When can I let my guard down and go back to a normal stress free life?