Why People Have An Affair

SCENARIO

Many women either suspect or discover that their partner is having an affair. What a lot of women then ask themselves is “what am I doing wrong?”

Do people cheat because of their partners? Can what you say or do cause your partner to stray?

CONSIDER THIS

VICKI:
People have affairs because of their own thoughts and belief systems. While it’s easy to blame a partner it has nothing to do with them.

Sex means many things to many people. For some it’s a physical need and for others it can be about self-worth or manhood/womanhood, etc. There are so many reason why people cheat on their partners that they couldn’t all be covered here. What so many people don’t understand is that the reasons are generally mental and/or emotional needs that are not being met. Many of the unmet needs having nothing to do with sex at all.

If someone has unmet needs it’s their responsibility to discover what they do need, whether through counseling or inner reflection, and discuss it with their significant other. No adult is responsible for another adult’s emotional well-being.

With that being said I want to add in that anyone who has a partner who is withholding sex will most certainly stray. Especially men as their sperm can only build to such an amount then there is a physical need to expel it. We all need human touch and masturbation can only cut it for a certain amount of time.

JILL:
It should first be said that not all female partners do blame themselves. However, the ones that do may do so for two reasons.
Their self-blame may come from low self-esteem. We are inundated with all forms of media that tell us that to the thin and beautiful comes the perfect life complete with a perfect marriage. Reality shows feature men dropping to their knees to ask the newly transformed woman to marry him, the subtle message being that he would not have proposed to her as she looked before.

Secondly many women instantly want to fix a problem, to make it all better. They don’t take time to analyze what has transpired and more importantly to see where the other person is responsible for their actions. If that person was looking for a change in his life or if something triggered feelings of unhappiness he should have done the right thing and talk to his partner.

All this doesn’t mean that there should not be a time of quiet reflection for the woman. An honest evaluation of what has transpired will bring with it positive self-growth and recharged self-esteem.

Two Religions, One Wedding Ceremony

SCENARIO

We received this as a question from a young bride-to-be. She and her fiancé are from two different religious backgrounds. Neither of their families want a blended religious ceremony, yet this young couple is paying for their own wedding and cannot afford two ceremonies. They would like to make this a happy occasion for both their families and wonder how they can do it.

What would you do in this situation? We’d love to hear your comments.

CONSIDER THIS

JILL:
Perhaps the parents are worried that a blended ceremony will disrespect the meaning and traditions of their faiths. Possibly by outlining for them how the two religions would be represented, this could change their minds. In today’s world interfaith ceremonies are done in a very respectful and tasteful manner. Do some research and speak to planner who specializes in these types of marriages. With the details on paper the bride, groom and both sets of parents should come together to discuss this style of ceremony.

If that doesn’t work look at having a civil, non-denominational or spiritual marriage. No one can afford two ceremonies and one of those choices may be the only way to keep both families happy. Write your own vows. Keep everything simple but meaningful. Taking religion out of a service no longer means that the event has to be cold or impersonal. Another option is a destination wedding and not necessarily to another country. It could be held in another state or province or a pretty little town that is only a few hours away. Afterwards the reception could be a blend of both family’s traditions and backgrounds.

It is important to remember that the very essence of a marriage is the joining of two people who love one another. If however the couple is feeling somewhat incomplete they can meet with religious person who has guided them each through the years and ask for their blessing on the union.

VICKI:
My first thought is what does the couple wish to do? I certainly understand that family pressure can be a huge issue and that we all wish to please the ones we love. However there comes a time where, no matter how challenging, everyone needs to put their family’s values behind them and live by their own value system.

If the couple wish to make the situation work all around then…in order to make this economical the only suggestion I have is to have the ceremony take place in a hall, etc. and literally have one religious ceremony after the other; without an official pronouncing this couple married until after the second ceremony.

Real Love and Reality

SCENARIO

Do you feel loved by your partner? It’s a common issue for many couples. In the beginning of a relationship it was exciting and passionate, with time reality hits and love becomes secondary to daily demands. Does it have to be this way?

CONSIDER THIS

JILL:
While the excitement and passion may settle down with time, the loving of one another shouldn’t become secondary. If you have to put each other on your schedule – every month should include at least one date night and maybe a lunch date too.

One of the most exciting things in a new relationship is the spontaneity so try to revive that. An unexpected phone call in the day, a note slipped into their pocket. It is however the physical aspect; the touching that provides the warmth and glow for a couple. A hug, kiss or squeeze of a hand take a few seconds but the affect is long lasting for the recipient.

Don’t try to revive what has been but start today to sustain a loving relationship that will have you growing old together.

VICKI:
It most definitely doesn’t have to be that way. Love is a choice, which each and every day you and your partner can choose to do and say the things that make your partner feel loved. This is like re-committing to each other daily.

It’s not always an easy choice to make. It only works on one condition - that both of you have to know what makes you, individually, feel loved and be willing to discuss it with your partner.

There is a great book that discusses it called “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. It discusses the five main languages of love: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service and physical touch. In reading this you will learn your main love language and help identifying your partner’s. It’s not only a quick read it’s also really enjoyable.

Unhappy Client? Save Your Reputation

SCENARIO

Have you done some work for a client and felt they were pleased only to discover that they have been complaining about you to others? There are ways to turn this around and salvage your reputation.

CONSIDER THIS

VICKI:
Unfortunately this is a situation where the majority of times you will not hear from the client his or herself. This is one reason that it’s so important to have client files with contact information.

Run don’t walk to the phone and call the customer or client immediately. Too many times companies make an unhappy client an offer that works out well for their business but not the client’s. Instead of doing this ask the client outright what you can do to rectify the situation and make the client happy. Listen to them – give them your full attention. Then do what they need as long as it is feasible and fair to your business as well. As soon as you get off the phone follow up with a hand written card apologizing.

A week after the situation has been rectified do call the client to see if they are now satisfied. If not find out what wasn’t to their satisfaction and follow through.

JILL:
Vicki’s suggestion is correct, however you need to ensure that after all that has been done the client doesn’t continue to complain or slander you. You have to diplomatically mention that you are aware of what they have been doing. After all they are not completely blameless as they didn’t come to you with their displeasure. This along with the actions mentioned above should bring the situation to an end.

Also, if you are aware of who they have been complaining to don’t hesitate to get in touch with them. Be honest and open “I understand that you have heard some negative things; I wanted to let you know that we have made every attempt to resolve that situation and we hope that you will continue to do business with us…………” Be very professional here and do not specifically mention or refer to the client in any way.

Daily Spirituality

SCENARIO

Is your daily routine so fast paced that you get caught up in doing and lose the art of being? It can feel like you’re losing your connection with your spirituality or forgetting who you really are heart and soul. At times you may even catch yourself, especially at work, going against your personal values in order to do what you believe is best for your work.

CONSIDER THIS

VICKI:
It’s so easy to get lost in the everyday, especially at work. The most important thing we can do is to let our personal values, spiritual or otherwise, lead the way in our work life as well. It’s the difference between doing and being; most of us grew up being taught to do rather than be.

Take time during the day to just be; here are a few suggestions:
1. Meditate for two or three minutes. It clears your mind and can help you refocus on a busy day.
2. Say an affirmation hourly if possible. It should be a statement of intention for yourself and your day. You may choose to use the same affirmation hourly or change it to go with the flow of your day.
3. Keep a reminder of your values in a place where you can see it through your busy day. It may be a book that sits on your desk, a sticky note with a quote on your computer, or the old rubber band around your wrist – anything that has meaning to you.

JILL:
There is no doubt that when Monday morning comes around our busy lives can find us losing touch with ourselves spiritually. On the weekends it is easier to find the time that you need for a spiritual connection.
Be more aware of your weekly schedule and where your time is being spent. Are you doing something that you don’t have to do or don’t want to do? Can you instead use that time for yourself?

If a pocket of time cannot be found you may have to look for it in smaller increments.
Here are a few suggestions to help reframe your day:

1. Utilize unused time; get up earlier in the morning, 15 minutes at lunch or before going to sleep.
2. You can bookmark websites that have daily inspirational messages. I googled ‘daily spirituality’ and some helpful websites came up. Here are two -
-New Spirituality Network
-Belief net
3. Have a spiritual book, book on tape or meaningful music with you during your day. One of these is perfect while you are waiting for an appointment, on a coffee or lunch break or in a traffic jam.
4. After finishing your work try to take a few minutes to sit quietly.
5. Practice spiritual consciousness in your daily routine. Speak to people that you might not otherwise talk with, see opportunities for small acts of kindness & courtesy and be more aware of your imprint on the world.